Printshop Owner translations for Newbies

[ROHfan]

Those new to Prepress might often get confused when the owner makes certain comments or asks certain questions only to find out later on that the owner meant something completely different. I thought it would be nice to come up with a standardized Print Shop Owner translation guide to help the Newbies along.


STANDARD PRINT SHOP OWNER TRANSLATION GUIDE, V 1.0


Owner: "Hey, are you guys busy?"
Translation: "Stop what you're doing and get this job out."


Owner (on a Friday night): "Great! You're still here!"
Translation: "You have to come in tomorrow."


Owner: "If you get me these proofs by FedEx we'll look like heroes."
Translation: "If you get me these proofs by FedEx I'll look like a hero."


Owner: "This job was supposed to be five colors!"
Translation: "You were supposed to read my mind!"


Owner: "Just keep track of your time."
Translation: "This job is a freebie."


Owner: "Who worked on this job?"
Translation: "Which one of you should I yell at?"


Owner: "We're gonna run this job tonight."
Translation: "You will not get this job to rip."


Onwer: "I really want to avoid this problem in the future."
Translation: "I really want to fire you for this problem."


Owner: "What time do you think those proofs will be ready?"
Translation: "I just told the client the proofs were ready."


Owner: "Who's working on (insert client name here)?"
Translation: "I need proofs by FedEx."


Owner: "This job wasn't quoted for a lot of prep time."
Translation: "Don't tell me how long it took to prep this job so I think I made a lot of money on it."

-OR-

Translation: "This will be a PC Pagemaker job in two page printer's spreads with missing fonts and images and will contain RGB jpegs and black type colored "Registration." "


Owner: "If we do a good job on this we're gonna get a lot of work from them."
Translation: "If we do a good job on this I'm gonna get a lot of money from them."



and finally,


Owner: "Got a minute?"
Translation: "You're fired."



Prepress veterans, feel free to add your own translations as there are too many to remember. Collectively, we can establish a comprehensive guide so that we may better understand the logic behind the person who makes our lives a living hell.


ROHfan

[RedOak]

This goes with the "Cant you just..." statement that I made on Friday.

CANT YOU JUST......

...re-profile the press color sequence to run this one job?
Translation: "Reprofile everything without knowing specs for the job - it is probably not needed"

...Run another set of these plates?
Translation: "Under-run, pressman screw up, shipped to the wrong place, damaged while shipping, bindery screw up, or just a plain old empty promise"

...run a test to see how it will look?
Translation: "I do not trust our hp proofing system - I do not trust you"

...make this one simple change? it will be good to go.
Translation: "re - layout these 8 pages"

... get it all done without overtime?
Translation: "make fedex!"

.... work on Saturday? I'll pay you less money but it is under the table without taxes to avoid the over time hours.
Translation: "I'm Cheap, but i'll pay you with pizza!"

...tell me how this file looks? IS IT READY TO GO?
Translation: "make fedex!"

[ROHfan]

Originally Posted by RedOak

.... work on Saturday? I'll pay you less money but it is under the table without taxes to avoid the over time hours.
Translation: "I'm Cheap, but i'll pay you with pizza!"

This made me laugh. The OT situation here is just as funny. When I work a 12 hour day to play catch-up the boss get pissed at me and questions the jobs I had to stay to produce. But when I don't work OT and the salesmen bitch to him because they had to wait for a (GASP!) 2-day turnaround I get chewed out for NOT working late. Is this guy kidding me???


ROHfan

[Earendil]

Originally Posted by ROHfan

This made me laugh. The OT situation here is just as funny. When I work a 12 hour day to play catch-up the boss get pissed at me and questions the jobs I had to stay to produce. But when I don't work OT and the salesmen bitch to him because they had to wait for a (GASP!) 2-day turnaround I get chewed out for NOT working late. Is this guy kidding me???


ROHfan

I hear you man. There is some relief though, in the realization that; if you work for someone that is impossible to please, you no longer live TO PLEASE THEM!

Granted, they are your boss and you don't want to tick them off but it allows you to relax, show up every day, do your best, and go home satisfied that you did a good job. After all, some people REALLY are impossible to please, true story!

I will always give it my best, I work to support my family and for them, I give it my all. I will NOT go above and beyond to please one who cannot be pleased.

[Mikie]

"How did this mistake happen?"
-Tell me your an idiot, cause i think you are, but don't know enough about what you do to express myself properly.

"But the Sales Rep from (insert vendor) told me this equipment could....."
-I know i really shouldnt be talking to vendors and purchasing items, please tell me in what way i have been lied too.

"We dont have time for a proof /there isnt a proof in the quote"
-yeah, i will be back to yell at you in a day or two, after this job gets screwed up...and in my mind i know we always have time to reprint stuff, i jsut like to put pressure on you cause i didnt get a pony when i was a kid/my wife is cheating on me.

"so and so really needs this job for a show/going on vacation/tight deadline"
-she has big knockers and maybe she will show them too me if i get her job done.

"there isn't money in the budget for raises/new equipment/more staff"
-no, i dont listen to you when you explain how much work you have to do and that i should be charging for it.

"I dont want to hear about any problems with this job, jsut get it out"
-I really should have gotten that pony when i was a kid.

"If we dont do the crazy stuff the client is asking for, or I charge them for it, they will take it somewhere else"
-I really am not a good salesman, and I have no balls

[born2print]

Awsome stuff gang! Keep 'em comin!

[Earendil]

Originally Posted by Mikie

"We dont have time for a proof /there isnt a proof in the quote"
-yeah, i will be back to yell at you in a day or two, after this job gets screwed up...and in my mind i know we always have time to reprint stuff, i jsut like to put pressure on you cause i didnt get a pony when i was a kid/my wife is cheating on me.

Classic! Do you work in my prepress? I know we haven't met but I'm sure we have the same boss.

[Mikie]

that was an old boss of mine actually, maybe you work there now, who knows

but dont we all pretty much work at the same place, for the same people?

"gotta have it now"...no they dont

"fail to make their dreams come true, there will be hell to pay"...no, no one has ever died from a printing "emergency", thank goodness these people dont own hospitals and the like where things ARE serious.

"owners not making enough money"....and whos fault is that, mine?

i would love to see one of our customers take their car into a mechanic and TELL them when it has to be fixed.....or tell the plumber when he HAS to have a job done....or tell the doctor, no, I dont have cancer, i feel fine when i am at home, it must be something on YOUR end that is wrong...

but i am so tired of the fake "pressures" of my job, i see no choice but to laugh in the face of these things...and pray to get out of this horrible career choice of mine. my only goal is to go out with a smile on my face, not a grimmace givne to me from some wannabe "businessman".

/end rant....sorr bout that, really am tired of all this shit, it has gottn so old for me. i am changing my career, one way or another.

attached a fav pic of mine, guess u gotta click it too see it..hehe, NOT YOURS in the corner is the kicker for me

[ROHfan]

[quote=Mikie;76216"If we dont do the crazy stuff the client is asking for, or I charge them for it, they will take it somewhere else"
-I really am not a good salesman, and I have no balls[/QUOTE]


That was my life last week. The frustrating part is when we have to do all this crazy stuff and a mistake happens, how bad do we look to our customers when we have to crawl back to them and tell them we have to reprint the job? Owners are SO AFRAID to turn down a job and are completely ignorant of the high price we often have to pay to take these jobs. Bear in mind these crazy jobs are usually prepped and printed and bound on OVERTIME. The cost of a mistake is monumental and could shut a company down. I'm speaking from experience because the last job I had closed down mostly because of bad business decisions and not charging clients what they should be charged. They had been digging a hole for a few years and sweeping things under the rug and it finally caught up with them. Now if a dumbass prepress geek like me can see the big picture why can't the owners? I mean...a child could understand it!


So let me ammend your translation:

Owner: "If we don't get this job out they'll take their business somewhere else."
Translation: "I am unknowingly planning to go out of business but will fire you first for the friction you're giving me."



ROHfan

[John1234]

I got one

owner: "I got a HOT one here"

translation: "Its been sitting on my desk for two days and I forgot about
it - so bust your butt and get it done in a hurry"