Joke Thread

[The_Stevinator]

most day's you just need a good laugh. here's a few....

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little
girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through
such wonderful, innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped, and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had
captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?", she asked.

"They're mating", her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?", she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs", her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?", the little
girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question, he replied, "No dear. Both of
them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a
moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat,
and said, "Well, we're not having any of that
Brokeback Mountain crap in our garden."

____________

The Church Bulletin
They're back, Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM with prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge - Up Yours".



___________

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

_______________

Making a baby
MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perh aps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[almaink]

LOL, Why does your Mets logo have two t's?
Go

[almaink]

OK a real short Fairy Tale.
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No Way!"
And the guy lived happily ever after, Fishin', huntin', golfin', drinkin' and fartin' whenever he wanted.
The end

[The_Stevinator]

my last name is "metts"

[almaink]

IC didn't think you were a Mets fan livin' in Houston, but U never know.

[PrepressRabbit]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in
the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The
husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays I go fishing."
_________________

Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[Sparky]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual, sensual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was quite aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[The_Stevinator]

Thus ended the mans sex life forever...

[Earendil]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see him that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents him to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank fu*k for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[Pointyhat]

Two Iraquis emigrate to the United States, they land at LaGuardia. They decide to go their separate ways and meet up again in a years time to see who's become more Americanized.
A year later in New York, the first Iraqui drives up.
He says- I just pulled in, in my Ford F150, had lunch at McDonalds, have a case of Bud in the back and I'm on my way to the strip bar.
2nd Iraqui looks at him and says - Fuck you raghead.