Joke Thread

[Sparky]

PANHANDLING WORKS IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT SIGN
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work,a wife & 6
kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

[Sparky]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a
little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with
blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife
look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours

[Sparky]

The AFLAC scam

Watch out for this scam. Police are urging visitors to the city center to be especially vigilant for a new gang operating a slick routine that is aimed at stealing from unwary persons.

They say that the gang usually comprises four members, one adult and three cute little ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness and fun, the fourth - the eldest - sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle undetected through his or her pockets and bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture taken from CCTV operating in the inner city shows the gang in operation.

ATT832513.jpg

[Earendil]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

[Earendil]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

[Sparky]

Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 to 20 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

[Earendil]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below said, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below said, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Earendil]

The drummer and the bass player were having it out with fists in the orchestra pit. Maestro strode down to them and pushed them apart. "Gentlemen please," he insisted, "Why do you argue so?"

"That Bastard de-tuned one of my strings when I wasn't looking!", said the thick-stringed guitarist. Maestro turned to the drummer and asked, "Is that true, sir?"

"Yup," said the drummer, unused to being asked to speak.

"Well," said Maestro to the somewhat miffed four-stringer, "Can't you tune it up again?"

To which the bass-player replied, "The son-of-a-bitch won't tell me which one it was!"